Really? Another Serious Post, Ashley?

Courage is relative.

I used to think I was a pro at adapting and starting over.

Growing up, we moved every three years. That means being the new kid a lot. In 2nd, 5th, 8th, and 11th grade, to be exact. Making new friends, getting used to a new school (sometimes a new COUNTRY!), and being lost were second nature to me.

In college, I totally had wanderlust. Besides visiting my family in Malaysia once or twice a year, I once went to Vancouver for the weekend on a whim, travelled to London for a Thanksgiving break, and spent a semester studying in Honolulu, Hawaii.

I was independent, it's fair to say. I wanted to be a teacher in an international school, living somewhere with palm trees and eternal summer. I hoped to fill another passport and spend my time traveling as often as possible.

Well, apparently, I've settled. I live in Ohio, I miss another city in Ohio, and I'm nervous about taking a class at a COMMUNITY COLLEGE*.

My last post hinted that I was feeling a little "homesick." Since I lived in Dayton longer than I've lived ANYWHERE, five...whole..years... I miss that familiarity. That comfort of knowing somewhere like the back of your hand. Knowing people in the community. Having favorite places - like our coffee shop, grocery store, and movie theater. So many memories in that little city.

Ashley from a few years ago would not even RECOGNIZE this Ashley. When I first met my husband, I balked when he said he'd still want to be living around there in five years. "Why would anyone want to settle for HERE?!" I thought (and, uh, maybe said?).

Oh, how thing's have changed.

This past Saturday morning, as I wandered around the community college, looking for room 133 (which was, by the way, tucked neatly back into an obscure hallway) - I was nervous. Very nervous. My heart was beating, I started to doubt myself, and think: I should just forget the whole thing. Who needs "Mac Basics" and "Foundations of Layout & Design," anyway? I'm probably going to be so much worse than everyone else! They'll be so good, and I'll embarrass myself!

Before I went into the classroom, I scribbled on my notepad - because expressing myself is the only way I know to relieve stress or anxiety - "Why am I so nervous? I'm twenty three years old attending class at a community college. I need to relax and just try."

As I was sitting in the classroom, still feeling a bit anxious and uncertain, I glanced down at my planner and noticed the quote I had placed on the front last year:

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

- Anais Nin

I took a deep breath and let those words sink in. Sure, moving to a new city or taking a few classes may not seem like "courage" or "expanding" my life to some, but I found comfort in that thought.

It's all relative, really. As I've gotten older, I've been more okay with being rooted. With forming relationships with my community and adding to the value of where I live. Yesterday, Alexa and I were talking about how great Cleveland is and how it really doesn't deserve its bad rap it gets sometimes.

I remember quite well the exact moment in which it all changed for me. Learning more about Dayton and it's challenges and assets - and I came to realize: It's better for communities if I don't move constantly. It's better for the environment if I live somewhere I don't have to drive as much. It's better for the region if I don't contribute for the "brain drain." It's better for ME if I learn more about my community.

I guess I don't need to rationalize why I haven't ended up traveling constantly, living overseas, or experiencing exotic, new things. "Newness" is really relative.

I guess I just have different priorities now.

* I'll tell you how the class went another day. :)