Raining on Your Parade.

You guys, I'm sad.

Really, really sad.

I'm overwhelmed. I can't focus.

This summer has been rough, to say the least. I haven't really talked about it much on here, because I try not to think about it. If you know me in real life, you know I'm a fairly cheerful, optimistic person. But it's just too much. I can't hold this up.

I'm overwhelmed by the incredible amount of loss that those around me have been experiencing. The sudden loss of life and grief that follows.

First, my director in Dayton lost his brother and his dad at the beginning of the summer. Then, our receptionist's dad was killed in a car accident. She found out at work, and her raw emotion permeated me. She sobbed and screamed and shouted.

A month ago, my coworker died after a long battle with cancer. She was the type to come to work even after bouts of chemo. She was a feisty fighter, and stayed that way through the end. Three weeks ago, my 27-year-old cousin was killed in a car accident - he had a 5-year-old son. And this past weekend Mike's grandpa fell and a professor/colleague was hit while riding his bike. Both died. Also this past weekend, one of our college students was attacked with a machete while at home in Boston. He's okay, thankfully, but his tendons are severed, so he can't play football.

Then, yesterday, I found out that they've opened a case back up from 2004 when a student committed suicide on our campus. They're investigating it being a murder. A murder. A college student murdered.

Even saying those words, reading the last two paragraphs, I'm absolutely paralyzed. I'm stricken with sadness. With fear. [It doesn't help that I'm reading a wonderful-but-awful fiction book about a school shooting. I sobbed yesterday while reading about the bullies depantsing the shooter in front of the whole cafeteria. It's especially not good to read and experience this kind of stuff when one is, ahem, experiencing monthly hormonal issues, I think.]

It's all so overwhelming and I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm struggling to keep my head above water, to not think too hard. So much needs to be done at work. I can't afford to lose steam.

But I'm flailing. I can't focus. At a meeting yesterday, a wave of sadness washed over me. I was inexplicably homesick for Dayton, where I just moved from. I missed familiarity. I missed comfort. I missed normal. I missed a place and time when things didn't seem to be crumbling down around me.

I really hate to write this kind of cliche, exposed blog post of how much I'm struggling right now. I'm not the type to make myself that vulnerable. I'm not the type to be that sad, period. Many people have experience much more loss that this. They're much stronger than I am. I'll probably come back in a few months, laugh at myself, and take this post down.

It's just too raw.

I like to just pretend every thing's okay. Look - cute cousins! Doesn't that help?