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The chance to be anonymous is overwhelming. I'm kind of a private person with certain items of my life, and with others I'm an open book. I have one thing I really want to write about but I'm afraid to let it go and put it out there. I'm not really worried about being judged but I think I know what people will say. The other is something I never talk about, not even with my closest friends. So I guess I'll take a deep breath and put them both out there.
I fell in love at 18. I loved Him so much but I walked away from Him one day because there was nothing else I could do. I knew He was dating someone, I was dating someone. We lost touch. I got married, never forgetting Him. Wondering about Him. Still loving the memories of Him. Wanting Him to be happy in life. Wanting to hear Him talk to me one more time. Be careful what you wish for. I ran into Him. We exchanged phone numbers. We talk occasionally and I'm still every bit in love with Him as I was when I met Him. He still has feelings for me too. Life is complicated. We could never be together without completely rearranging our lives. My husband has traits of Him but will never measure up. I hate that I compare them. I hate that I dream about Him frequently and when I wake up it's torture to realize he's not there. I wish life was simple and what I know is right in my heart could be my reality.
At the end of my college career I had gained considerable weight. I could no longer fit into any of my clothes. I weighed 138 pounds. I had always been athletic but my metabolism was changing and my eating habits weren't. At my yearly doctor's appointment he told me I needed to lose weight to lessen my chances of diabetes, kidney failure and high blood pressure. All things that had afflicted my mom and papa, both who had died young. I didn't take his advice to heart at first. But I was miserable that I no longer fit into my size 5 jeans. I had planned a trip with my BFF. We had always been the same size but while my weight was ballooning she couldn't keep any on. I was insecure with my body and jealous of hers. Our trip should have been a blast, but it was anything but. She had changed and didn't want to do anything. Maybe she didn't want to do anything because I was being a complete bitch because of my loss of self-confidence. Our trip was a waste and we ended up not talking for over six months. I apologized but I always felt horrible. We have since patched things up and she is once again one of my best friends. (If you are reading this I am truly sorry for that trip to MB.) I went to the doctor's the next year and was urged again to lose weight. I started exercising regularly and watching my portions. I dropped down to 125 pounds and was so proud of myself. Today I'm maintaining the weight I was when I was in high school. I'm happy and it's not because I'm thinner but because I feel healthy and strong. Now that I'm at my ideal weight I'm so afraid I'll gain it all back. I don't want to become obsessive about it but I don't ever want to feel like I did 3 years ago. It was like I was in a dark hole with no one to talk to. Weight is a funny thing. Almost like politics or religion. I didn't want to offend any of my friends or have anyone patronize me. You know the "oh you're not fat, look at me" blah blah blah. Losing weight is a lifetime commitment. Once you get down to your ideal number you have to work every day to maintain it. I just take it one day at a time.
Maybe I could have put all this up on my own blog, but it's easier to type when I know my name isn't attached to it.
Love is a tricky thing. I say don't deny past loves. But, also value current loves. There should be no need to compare. They're not supposed to be the same.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the weight thing, I understand how you feel. I have never been ordered by a doctor to lose weight, nor am I what people would consider fat, but I do not like what I see in the mirror. Until recently I was a six-day a week at the gym kind of girl. When I can't exercise and maintain the image of what I think I should look like, I obsess. I feel bad about myself.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you for being able to manage and maintain your weight. I think I'm going to hit the gym up this evening.
What I wrote about isn't exactly a secret, either, just stuff that makes me uncomfortable discussing with other people.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't even make myself go back and correct spelling or grammer mistakes. I just vomited words onto the page and sent it.
It felt great.
-I survived BlogSecret '08
Sometimes those old loves are so ideal because of what we have made them into, and not because of what they were.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs for you for being so strong and taking such wonderful care of yourself!
I have no advice for you, but I just wanted to tell you that I admire your coming forward with this, even if you are anonymous! It's a huge step to reveal secrets...
ReplyDeleteI wish you plenty of luck.
I can understand how the first part you wouldn't want to attach to your name. I am 21 and just getting into a relationship with a new guy. However, I have a "Him" and I'm nervous He will follow my every thought like yours has. I can't give any advice - because I don't know either. But I do sympathize with you and hope that you can be happy in whatever you choose to do.
ReplyDeletewow!!! that was a powerful post!!
ReplyDeleteI could have written most of your post. I still love what I HAD with him. He still has a piece of my heart and always will. But, my husband far exceeds anything or anyone he could have ever been.
ReplyDeleteI just joined the gym. I am not overweight by any means, but wearing a size ? and not a ? is not ok with me. I get it.
I like that you're aware of who you are. Cherish that quality
ReplyDeletebecause that's what really matters most.
I agree with a few of the people here - I'm glad that you recognize what you're going through, but I think that it's important to recognize that our image of what other people are and the reality are often very different.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you're happy with your husband, and if you're not I hope that you can find happiness somewhere else - but that you don't settle, for your sake and the sake of your husband.
I think there are very few of us who don't have some weight/body image issues. Maintaining a healthy weight is just as important as a healthy mentality: you're doing your best at both, and that's all you can ask of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're now happier with yourself, and in your marriage. I hope getting this off your chest made you feel even better.
ReplyDelete