Friday, August 14, 2009

A Few (Okay, Many) Letters.

Dear Phish,

You are seriously rock stars. Thank you for two amazing shows.

With admiration,

No Longer a Phish Show Rookie.

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Dear Phish Phans,

Thank you for offering so many drugs – it was nice, really. I actually felt bad turning you down. Thank you for being more entertaining than the band. I have never seen such crazy dancers, such hilarious costumes, or people eating (smoking takes too long?) pot. You are one of a kind.

All my love,

Highly Amused but Slightly Scared.

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Dear Self,

Four shots of espresso and very little sleep was a bad idea. And hardly running since I ran that 10K? No good.

Ooops,

Ready to Crash.

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My Dearest Michael,

You are turning 29 in a mere two weeks. I have no idea what I’ll be getting you for your birthday at a time when neither of us are getting paychecks, we just went on three trips, and rent is still due.

Crap,

Your Wife Who Has No Foresight in Planning.

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Dear United States,

I have seen 18 of you this summer. You are all fairly unique in your own ways, but I’m quite content in Cleveland for now. And ready to have some time to actually be in my new house.

Exhausted,

A Faithful Citizen.

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Dear Etsy Shop,

Remember me? You may have though I forgot about you – but after my various traveling this summer, I’m ready to settle back in front of my sewing machine and whip up some fun. Oh, and check out your little sale section and new earrings. See? I didn’t TOTALLY neglect you.

Love always,

Joyful Star

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Dear New Job,

I do not get a paycheck until September!? What is this madness? If I didn’t think we’re going along swimmingly, I might just kick you in the shins for that.

Peace out,

Your #1 Fan.

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Hey Chicago,

You are a fun city. Perhaps my favorite big city in the US. I love how humble and Midwestern you are, but completely awesome and fun. Your Thai food, though? Doesn’t hold a flame to my favorite. Mmm. Massaman curry.

Happily,

A Girl Who Kinda Wants to Live There.

PS: Thank you for MegaBus. Five dollar tickets ROCK.

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Lovely, Glorious Summer,


You are so sweet. Please never leave me. I’m quite attached to you and the flip flops you allow me to wear. Don’t go.

Xoxo,

Your Lover.

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Dear Mice,

Get the heck out of my house. I hate you. Stop eating my food and pooping on my counters. GO AWAY. You creep me out and make me think I have the Hantavirus. And if you don’t leave? Don’t worry, I think you’ll get along perfectly with my parents’ cat.

(I’m sorry it has to be this way. I wish we could get along like Cinderella and her mice did, but I have a sore throat and now I’m all paranoid you diseased me. So, just leave. Or you’ll have to die. And no one wants that.)

Best of luck and hope there is a mouse heaven,

The REAL Inhabitants of the Downstairs Flat.

PS: I hear that for every one of you we see, there are twenty more in our house. We killed two and saw one. That means there are sixty? Gross. I beg you: LEAVE.

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Dear Landlord,

How convenient that you included a “household pest” line in the lease. You’re not going to be much help, are you?

Bleh,

A Girl Who Doesn’t Want to See Mice in Her Home.

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Dear You,

Enter my contest. Last chance!

Love,
Me

15 comments:

  1. I'm not quite ready for summer to go either.

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  2. Oh my gosh, I would die if there were mice around- while they can put 'lines' in your lease, that's a health and safety hazard!! That's like putting a line in your lease about storing nuclear waste in your basement. ONLY IT POOPS AND SCURRIES.

    Do you guys have a residential tenancies board down there? Or a housing board? We're all about boards and commissions in Socialist Canada, if you have anything of the sort I would get them on this. There is no way that's okay.

    On the upside, maybe this is a good opportunity to foster cats for your local ESPCA or humane society?

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  3. Umm yes- my sister and her (now) husband used to ride the mega bus to see each other all the time. so cheap. so awesome. did you get some pirated movies with Japanese subtitles shown too?

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  4. I read something similar for cockroaches. It grossed me out beyond belief.

    One time, my sister was sleeping on the couch and a mouse came up and bit her finger. My mom called someone (911, poison control, pharmacy?) freaked out because she thought my sister was going to get infected and die. It was all good though. That story probably didn't help you out very much. Sorry.

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  5. I totally wish I could send my cat over to do those mice in! That sux. I left my last apartment over pest problems.

    Totally with you on the flip-flops/summer thing. All the socks are packed away and I will wear open-toed shoes until my feet are freezing in November.

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  6. When I moved into our house in NY, there was evidence of mice, so I bought this little device that you plug in and that sends out a frequency to mice that they don't like (it keeps them from being able to eat or something), so they'll find their way out. I never actually saw any mice to begin with, but I also never saw any mice after that, which I think is pretty good considering we practically lived in the woods. It's humane and it doesn't require disposing of anything. I found it at our local hardware store.

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  7. I love your letters, they totally crack me up :)

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  8. Great letters. Next time you're in town I'll take you out for real Thai food and other goodies. We'll even go back to the Art Institute! Rawr!

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  9. I love this blog! your letters crack me up. i wish i had seen 18 states this summer...i haven't done that in 24 years

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  10. I bet, were you to move to our fair city, we could find you some Thai food that measures up. :)

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  11. forgot to mention i tagged you in my blog

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  12. I am happy that I am not the only person to write random letters in my blog.

    ps- your blog always makes me smile. love it.

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  13. I will move to Chicago w/ you.

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  14. "Thank you for offering so many drugs – it was nice, really. I actually felt bad turning you down. Thank you for being more entertaining than the band. I have never seen such crazy dancers, such hilarious costumes, or people eating (smoking takes too long?) pot."

    Haha -- you are SO hilarious! I love it! Despite all the drugs, sounds like the concert was a blast!

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  15. I hope you were able to get all your mice! We had (*gasp*) rats over this summer. I think Cale finally got them all, but YUCK YUCK YUCK!

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