Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Raining on Your Parade.



You guys, I'm sad.

Really, really sad.

I'm overwhelmed. I can't focus.

This summer has been rough, to say the least. I haven't really talked about it much on here, because I try not to think about it. If you know me in real life, you know I'm a fairly cheerful, optimistic person. But it's just too much. I can't hold this up.

I'm overwhelmed by the incredible amount of loss that those around me have been experiencing. The sudden loss of life and grief that follows.

First, my director in Dayton lost his brother and his dad at the beginning of the summer. Then, our receptionist's dad was killed in a car accident. She found out at work, and her raw emotion permeated me. She sobbed and screamed and shouted.

A month ago, my coworker died after a long battle with cancer. She was the type to come to work even after bouts of chemo. She was a feisty fighter, and stayed that way through the end. Three weeks ago, my 27-year-old cousin was killed in a car accident - he had a 5-year-old son. And this past weekend Mike's grandpa fell and a professor/colleague was hit while riding his bike. Both died. Also this past weekend, one of our college students was attacked with a machete while at home in Boston. He's okay, thankfully, but his tendons are severed, so he can't play football.

Then, yesterday, I found out that they've opened a case back up from 2004 when a student committed suicide on our campus. They're investigating it being a murder. A murder. A college student murdered.

Even saying those words, reading the last two paragraphs, I'm absolutely paralyzed. I'm stricken with sadness. With fear. [It doesn't help that I'm reading a wonderful-but-awful fiction book about a school shooting. I sobbed yesterday while reading about the bullies depantsing the shooter in front of the whole cafeteria. It's especially not good to read and experience this kind of stuff when one is, ahem, experiencing monthly hormonal issues, I think.]

It's all so overwhelming and I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm struggling to keep my head above water, to not think too hard. So much needs to be done at work. I can't afford to lose steam.

But I'm flailing. I can't focus. At a meeting yesterday, a wave of sadness washed over me. I was inexplicably homesick for Dayton, where I just moved from. I missed familiarity. I missed comfort. I missed normal. I missed a place and time when things didn't seem to be crumbling down around me.

I really hate to write this kind of cliche, exposed blog post of how much I'm struggling right now. I'm not the type to make myself that vulnerable. I'm not the type to be that sad, period. Many people have experience much more loss that this. They're much stronger than I am. I'll probably come back in a few months, laugh at myself, and take this post down.

It's just too raw.


100_3965


I like to just pretend every thing's okay. Look - cute cousins! Doesn't that help?

30 comments:

  1. Like your's, my eyes were opened in a big way like this a few weeks ago. The world is a crazy place and trying to cope with it is a full time job.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So sorry to hear that you're going through all of this. That is a lot to take in separately, and all at once must be a million times harder. I hope things get better soon!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sometimes though you just need to let it out somewhere and hopefully you know that there are so many people thinking of you and praying for you. The world is a tough place but it's made harder if we try to bottle it up and appear superhuman. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's okay to be sad, Ashley. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. i agree with ashlee it's ok to be sad and overwhelmed - that's a lot to be going through. not to mention that you just moved to a new city with a new job!

    thing will calm down. i promise.

    sending happy thoughts your way.

    ReplyDelete
  6. oh ashely i am so so sorry to hear about all of this. you have truly experiences far too much sadness than any one person should have to. i know there is nothing anyone can say that will rewind time and bring all of your loved ones back, but i can say, just remember, that while it feels like this sadness will go on forever, it wont. time will heal things and you will be happy again eventually. just allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel right now, and lean on your fabulous hubby- your best friend and life partner.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am so sorry, and even as I write that I don't feel as if the words can really do justice. You've been through a lot in such a short time... *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm sending you good vibes. I don't understand why bad things happen to such good people. So, hopefully my good vibes help.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Ashley, that is a lot of stuff to be dealing with at one time. I think it's completely normal to be feeling confused and overwhelmed and sad, and you should not have to apologize for it. I'll keep you in my prayers.

    P.S. What a sweet picture of your husband and his grandfather!

    ReplyDelete
  10. *Hugs* I know it's hard losing people. It's been a rough summer for me too. And as much as it hurts to write about it (making it seem more real), I think it does make things easier later on. Just know that we are all hear for you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Wow... I'm so sorry you've been going through such bad times lately. That really sounds so very overwhelming and sad. It's totally understandable that you wouldn't be your normal optimistic self with all that has happened lately -- and like Ashley said, it's OK to be sad. But, I really think that after all the bad things that have happened in such a short amount of time, the only thing that can happen now is for things to get better! Things just HAVE to start looking up for you! Hope things get better ASAP and that your new home really starts feeling like home to you. Much love ...

    ReplyDelete
  12. if you weren't feeling sad and overwhelmed...something would be wrong with you! i know the feeling of wanting to be home and comforted. the good news is, all these horrible events will remind you (and us) to focus on the real and important things in life. sending you positive thoughts. hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is aweful :( I had a friend killed in a car accident several years back, and that loss is still with me, somewhere in a back of my mind. I just lost another friend to illness... I cried, prayed for her and her family the best I could, and now it's another loss that will stay with me.
    You are under a lot of stress to begin with! You just moved, you have a new job, it all adds up. Just take some time for yourself, think about the loved ones you lost, cry a bit, and then cheer up that you are still here, your honey is still here, and you get to go on and enjoy life.
    This is hard :( Hugs and good vibes to you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Don't kid yourself, you've experienced a lot this past summer. To be able to still smile and go through your day is tremendous. The world is full of bad (and good) events, but we can't deny the emotion either brings.

    ReplyDelete
  15. oh ashley. you break my little heart. <3
    it's okay to be upset. you SHOULD be upset after everything that has happened this summer. don't ever feel bad for being sad.
    you are amazing and don't deserve all this hurt.
    keep your head up, it's bound to get better.
    i'll be thinking of you.ox

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh honey, I am sitting here alone and can't help but cry a little bit for you. Not out of pity, but out of understanding. We bloggers may be locked away in your computer, but we can be a great support system for those times when you just need to let out all that raw emotions. I hope with all my heart that these hurts will begin to heal and the sadness won't be so permeating, and if/when it doesn't work out that way, we will still be here.

    I'm praying for you, keep your chin up.

    xox

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ashley, wow, i'm so sorry you've been going through all this. Losing someone and witnessing others lose loved ones is always hard and I never know exactly how to confort someone but, i do know that i'm sure that your breakthrough is right around the corner. It's totally normaly to feel sad and be down but remember that your positive attitude may be the one thing that brings cheer to someone else. Feel better :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. i am so sorry to hear about these hard times.... It will pass...

    ReplyDelete
  19. So sorry to hear about the losses. I will pray that they rest in peace and their loved ones will be comforted.

    It's kind of weird how the more people you know, and the more you starting living life, the more loss seems to happen. This too shall pass, and if you need to take time to do whatever. . . do it!

    ReplyDelete
  20. So sorry to hear about everything that has been going on. Unfortunately, it seems like we all go through phases like that. We just have to be thankful for everyday that we have! Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm so sorry for everything that is going on! I hope that everything starts looking up soon!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm so sorry to hear you're having some hard times. I think part of getting older is experiencing and dealing with loss in a way we never did as kids. It's tough, but I know you'll get through it! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Life is perfect. We're not perfect. It's okay to not be happy all the time. Sometimes you just have to let it out. Being emotional is what makes us human.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Like you, I feel like death and hardship is circling around me like a hawk. Just waiting for me to look away for just a second, to come pouncing down on me and rip the breath from my lungs. Wow, that sounds pretty intense, but it's how I feel. Here's an amazing quote that is helping me through these hard times...

    "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they are right. You believe lies so eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marylin Monroe

    ReplyDelete
  25. It's scary having your eyes opened for the first time like that about loss and the world. Working in news, I'm reminded of life and death every day. No matter how many times you see it, it's still hard.

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with so much this summer. I sincerely hope things start looking up. This too shall pass.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I think it is great you are able to blog about you raw emotions. I have come to realize that blogs aren't just about witty quick remarks and clever articles. A blog is a great place to make friends and share life with others. That includes all parts of life, even the sad bits.

    I feel for your sadness and I truly hope you overcome this greif soon. It is never good to see people in pain. As much as it is overused, I believe the saying time heals all.

    Continue blogging and we are all here to help as much as possible!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Aww honey I'm sorry. I can only imagine how tough that has to be on you. Do the best you can and take things one day at a time. We're here to help

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh my God, I am SO sorry to hear about all of these horrible events that have happened in your life and to those you hold near and dear. It made my heart skip a few beats, so I can't imagine actually living amongst all of that sadness and the constant reminders of our mortality. Maybe it would be a good idea to read a Sophie Kinsella book right about now...

    And please, I hope that you know you can always be honest with us about how you're feeling. There are a lot of things that can be annoying about blogging, but the one thing I've always counted on is that in my time of need, I know my blog friends will be there for me, and will come out in full force to support me just like my "real life" friends. You obviously have that same support system here, and I don't ever want you to feel like we're judging you in any way.

    I hope that you and Mike are turning to each other, and I'm glad that you've got each other's love to get you through all of this. Hang in there, and if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I'm sorry it took me so long to write, but my goodness! How sad and I can definitely understand how you could be upset. It is not fun to experience so much death and sadness. I hope you are doing okay!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I'm sorry for your losses. That is quite a lot to deal with in a relatively short time. You will come through it stronger than before. You are so brave for leaving your comfort zone and calling a new place home. I don't think I could do it.

    ReplyDelete

C'mon, leave a comment. They're the best part!