Our Little Apartment: Friday Odds and Ends.

Friday, May 7, 2010

I have my first baby shower after work today. I’m a bit excited, but also weirdly nervous that no one will show up since I’ve been working here less than a year. WHAT IF NO ONE LIKES ME? Besides that weird anxiety, being the center of attention is an odd thing for me. I sort of enjoy it (and absolutely appreciate the kindness of my coworkers to throw me a shower), but it’s also find it pretty uncomfortable to have people focus on ME. I’m not explaining myself very well, but I’m sure I’m not alone in the awkwardness that comes with lots of attention. (I hope I don’t sound ungrateful, because I’d hate to come off that way. I am thankful that people care about me and want to celebrate this baby.)

Today is the senior’s last day of school and I’m surprised at how sad I feel about it. I can’t say enough how much I adore my job and the women I work with – both my coworkers and the students. I can only say that I am insanely lucky to enjoy what I do so very much.

Yesterday was my three-year anniversary of graduating from college and it still seems like yesterday. I know people say that a lot – but high school seems like forever ago to me, while my time in college still very much influences and informs who I am. It was such a time of dynamic growth and change and learning and independence. And, also, way too much fun. As I get further and further from that time, it honestly scares me a bit to lose the consciousness of it. But I know the future holds even more adventures and periods of vibrant growth, and I look forward to that – I need those times.

Decisions have been stressing me out lately. Like, an unbelievable amount. We’re deciding which city to live in (near my work or Mike’s school – they are about an hour apart), whether I should work part- or full-time, health insurance issues, childcare choices, and other general money stresses. Being pregnant only exacerbates the anxiety, hormonally-speaking (it obviously also adds the practical factor of, you know, adding an ENTIRE PERSON to our family). I could go on and on about these stresses, but suffice it say, countless spreadsheets and possible budgets have been made. I like to plan things into oblivion and then just go with my gut in the end. It usually works. But tends to be a rather stressful process.

I don’t often remember my dreams, even now when pregnancy is supposedly a time of weird, vivid dreaming. Last night, though, I had a dream that my friend was getting beat up outside of my house. I was torn – should I go help her and risk getting hurt myself or hide so as to keep my baby safe? I chose to hide and was wracked with guilt that I abandoned my friend. Even when I woke up at 4:30am, I felt terrible for choosing to protect the baby. I’m sure there is some deeper meaning I could extract from this – that I am becoming a mother, and as such, I will have something in my life that is worth protecting above almost all else, no matter how difficult that might be. Mostly, though, it just really freaked me out and made me feel like the Worst Friend Ever.

My belly has officially gotten big enough so that I can spill something and not see it when I look down. In other news: I’ll be walking around looking like a slob for the next four months.

No matter what happens with our decisions, I will be a working mom next year. A WORKING MOM. (Or, a mom who works outside of the home, if you want to be precise about it, since all moms work.) I can’t say I’ve ever imagined myself a working mom. I never really imagined myself a MOM, though, so I guess I don’t do a lot of imagining. (I never really thought about getting married until Mike and I started dating. Needless to say, I didn’t have a wedding planned out since childhood. It was easier that way, actually.) So, yeah. Just, a working mom. WOAH.

I have my first baby shower after work today. I’m a bit excited, but also weirdly nervous that no one will show up since I’ve been working here less than a year. WHAT IF NO ONE LIKES ME? Besides that weird anxiety, being the center of attention is an odd thing for me. I sort of enjoy it (and absolutely appreciate the kindness of my coworkers to throw me a shower), but it’s also find it pretty uncomfortable to have people focus on ME. I’m not explaining myself very well, but I’m sure I’m not alone in the awkwardness that comes with lots of attention. (I hope I don’t sound ungrateful, because I’d hate to come off that way. I am thankful that people care about me and want to celebrate this baby.)

Today is the senior’s last day of school and I’m surprised at how sad I feel about it. I can’t say enough how much I adore my job and the women I work with – both my coworkers and the students. I can only say that I am insanely lucky to enjoy what I do so very much.

Yesterday was my three-year anniversary of graduating from college and it still seems like yesterday. I know people say that a lot – but high school seems like forever ago to me, while my time in college still very much influences and informs who I am. It was such a time of dynamic growth and change and learning and independence. And, also, way too much fun. As I get further and further from that time, it honestly scares me a bit to lose the consciousness of it. But I know the future holds even more adventures and periods of vibrant growth, and I look forward to that – I need those times.

Decisions have been stressing me out lately. Like, an unbelievable amount. We’re deciding which city to live in (near my work or Mike’s school – they are about an hour apart), whether I should work part- or full-time, health insurance issues, childcare choices, and other general money stresses. Being pregnant only exacerbates the anxiety, hormonally-speaking (it obviously also adds the practical factor of, you know, adding an ENTIRE PERSON to our family). I could go on and on about these stresses, but suffice it say, countless spreadsheets and possible budgets have been made. I like to plan things into oblivion and then just go with my gut in the end. It usually works. But tends to be a rather stressful process.

I don’t often remember my dreams, even now when pregnancy is supposedly a time of weird, vivid dreaming. Last night, though, I had a dream that my friend was getting beat up outside of my house. I was torn – should I go help her and risk getting hurt myself or hide so as to keep my baby safe? I chose to hide and was wracked with guilt that I abandoned my friend. Even when I woke up at 4:30am, I felt terrible for choosing to protect the baby. I’m sure there is some deeper meaning I could extract from this – that I am becoming a mother, and as such, I will have something in my life that is worth protecting above almost all else, no matter how difficult that might be. Mostly, though, it just really freaked me out and made me feel like the Worst Friend Ever.

My belly has officially gotten big enough so that I can spill something and not see it when I look down. In other news: I’ll be walking around looking like a slob for the next four months.

No matter what happens with our decisions, I will be a working mom next year. A WORKING MOM. (Or, a mom who works outside of the home, if you want to be precise about it, since all moms work.) I can’t say I’ve ever imagined myself a working mom. I never really imagined myself a MOM, though, so I guess I don’t do a lot of imagining. (I never really thought about getting married until Mike and I started dating. Needless to say, I didn’t have a wedding planned out since childhood. It was easier that way, actually.) So, yeah. Just, a working mom. WOAH.

Friday, May 7, 2010