On Working at a High School.

In the four years since graduating college, I’ve worked at an afterschool center/elementary school, a university, and two different high schools (aaand Starbucks for three months). The upside to this is that I’ve had a wide variety of work place experiences and job descriptions. Variety is the spice of life and all that. Most importantly, I’ve learned some things about myself and my job preferences. Things like:

-          I need sunshine in my workplace.

-          I can’t be on a computer all day. Human interaction is a must.

-          I need my job to challenge me, but also allow for plenty of laughter and downtime.

-          I need to work somewhere that my values are honored and upheld.

-          I absolutely love working at a high school.  LOVE.

When I was applying to my first job at a high school two years ago, they asked me if I liked working with teenagers. The truth was: I wasn’t sure. My only experience with high schoolers was being one and having younger siblings (who currently 16- and 18-years-old).  Sometimes teenage girls can be rather…intense (see also: dramatic, moody, and stompy-offish). In course of answering the question about working teenagers, though, I realized that what I loved most about teenagers was, in fact, this intensity. When they’re happy, they’re REALLY happy – shrieking, laughing, singing, and loud. When they’re upset, they’re REALLY upset – crying, yelling, and slamming doors. They are absolutely, unabashedly passionate in everything they do. They don’t hold back. They are full of life.

That vibrancy absolutely attracts me to working with teenagers. It can be tiring, but it’s also never, ever boring. There is so much joy and laughter in my office that I cannot fathom working in some quiet cubicle.

Plus, they’re just plain fun and silly.

They make up songs about me (with things like "She has the spirit Aslan" and "She likes to eat tofu and Indian noodles with her poodle.”)

They introduced me to the addiction that is Rebecca Black.

They have honest and open conversations about everything in life – from their fears about college to their political opinions to their relationships. We close ourselves off as adults, not openly discussing these things as readily.

They celebrated Justin Beiber’s birthday with a party.

They constantly try to friend me on Facebook, despite the school’s (and my own) policy of waiting until they graduate.

They call me “Ash” or “Miss Ashley.”

The many, many offers to babysit. For free. One even told me she’d pay me to babysit. Just lovely.

They tell me about their addiction to Extreme Couponing and that they want to start a 'Couponing Club' where we'd all sit around cutting out coupons. “We have to train ourselves. We need to be disciplined about this. We have to be extreme!”

They know the words to Spice Girls’ songs and can recite lines from 10 Things I Hate About You. Aka: I don’t feel old when they’re into the things I was in high school. (My favorite ever in the world is when they are jealous that I’ve been to three *Nsync concerts. Ha! See? I am cool! I am hip! I am  also so old that these kids weren’t even in elementary school when *Nsync was together!) (Also, *Nsync is not a recognized dictionary word. Psh.)

They make me feel interesting. They ask me about college, living overseas, having a baby, cloth diapers, vegetarianism, marriage, and my family.

They say things like, “My boyfriend is really interested in water birth. He wants me to have our kids without pain medication.” I’m sorry, what? 1) Your boyfriend is thinking about birth? and 2) ‘Your’ kids? You guys are 17!

It’s been a good (albeit hard for some really sad, tragic reasons) week at school, and I’m just buzzing from the happiness that comes with enjoying your day job (and the happiness that comes from having to be at said day job only three days a week).

I don’t say this enough: I am so, so lucky to have both a part-time day job and a part-time creative job that I adore. Not to mention being a full-time mama to the sweetest baby on this planet.

I’m curious: what do you do? Do you love your job? If not, what makes you stay there?

Six Little Nuggets.

(Including Two Videos. Yes. I have figured out how to get videos from the camera to my computer. Me: 'Hurrah!' You: Groan.)

• Work continues to go smoothly - my favorite part is that my boss lets me set my own schedule. It works nicely, since Mike now has two days during the week with no class,  my mom only needs to watch Gabe once a week. I absolutely love that Mike is getting so much time taking care of Gabe, and think it's adorable that Gabe is so bonded with Mike.

• Life without Twitter has been good - I've cleaned out my closet (I'm sort of doing this challenge) and my email inbox, and we're on a 3-day clean apartment streak (I know, not much. But it's progress). I feel sort of disconnected from some, but I know that spending this time un...or, less-plugged is good for my soul. And my productivity. Though, I still have a million and one things that I'm not caught up on (thank yous from Gabe's baptism, replying to emails, several design projects, Joy Equation, Indie-Business 3.0...which I may have forgot I was doing since I never got an email about it after signing up. Oops.)

• I had the most fabulous day I could imagine. 60 degrees, an early breakfast at a cute cafe (veggie sausage, egg, and cheddar on a bagel) (it's always appropriate to talk about what you've eaten, right?) (Right! Yum.) with Gabe and Mike, baked some Italian bread, enjoyed lots of time (and soup and bread) with my lovely family, went for a sunny walk and heart-to-heart with my aunt, and ended the day at Mass with Gabe.  However, during a trip at Target this afternoon, the conundrum arose: how does one go the bathroom while out in public alone with an infant? Bring him into the stall with me? (I do this at home, but yoga pants are much easier to maneuver one-handed. Not to mention The Looks I'd be sure to get in a public restroom.) Leave him in the cart in the bathroom? Ask a stranger to hold my baby while I pee? I literally thought I was going to burst. I'd typically say to wait until I got home, but I still had an hour of church afterward. Yikes.

• Gabe has mastered the art of scooting backwards. I'll come back into the room to find him backed up under a chair or the couch.  It's adorably hilarious. However, he's beginning to figure out how to scoot forward! It's this cute little push up action, then a little hop-scoot forward. He's even done a baby downward dog a few times. Love. (And evidence:)

Scooting! from Ashley Marie on Vimeo.

• I didn't go into much on my blog (or, anywhere, really), but when I was pregnant, we were constantly told things that might be 'wrong' with Gabe. Including: Down syndrome, 'water on the brain,' neural tube defects, and an increased risk of still birth. I brushed most of it off, thinking that the odds were on our side to have a healthy, typical baby...but I still get overwhelmed with gratitude sometimes when I'm holding my perfect, whole little baby in my arms and he smiles up at me with his perfect, sweet smile. We are so lucky.

• Mike and were talking about how much Gabe has grown since he was born, and pulled out a tape measure to compare 'Little Gabe' (19.5 inches) to 'Big Gabe' (27 inches). Then, well...this happened:

Silly Tears. from Ashley Marie on Vimeo.

(I'm a cruel mom, aren't I? But it's just. So. Funny.)

In the Pursuit of Balance.

If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know that I started a new job on Valentine's Day and it is going very, very well.

So well that I'm slightly freaked out and waiting for something to go wrong. (Which I'm sure it will, since no job is perfect forever.)

It's great because my boss is funny and kind. It's great because I have a real-life coworker friend now who has a baby one week younger than mine. It's great because I laugh constantly. It's great because I'm working with teenagers again. It's great because I am appreciated. It's great because my boss hands me a Chipotle gift card and tells me to leave a little early. It's great because it's interesting and challenging and fun. It's great because I get to think about something other than the last time Gabe fell asleep or ate or got his diaper changed. It's great because I set my own schedule. It's great because I am happy.

Most of all, though, it's great because I feel like I can finally work and enjoy that elusive work-family balance.

Every single 'career' job I've ever worked, I've felt guilty for going home at the end of the day. Even if I stayed an hour later than I was 'supposed' to, my coworkers would stay three hours later and arrive earlier in the morning. I've never enjoyed the 'he who works longer is the better worker' game that I seem to always find myself playing with workaholics. (I'm so not a workaholic. Never have been. I do what I need to get done and go home. Amen.)

I think I set the tone for things at my interview, when I explained that 20 hours a week was perfect for me right now, since I have a baby. My boss told me I could work up to 30 hours a week, and I think I surprised him when I told him I didn't want to work more than 20 hours. When so many are suffering from underemployment, I'm choosing to work less.

Motherhood has changed me, empowered me. I'm advocating for myself and my family. I'm not going to quietly sit at my desk after the work day has ended and my coworkers are still working, trying to prove that I'm dedicated to my job. I am dedicated, but I am more dedicated to my baby. And everyone knows that.  No pretending required. It's quite freeing.

The president told me I'm a wife and mother first and "don't feel like you need to get very involved outside of your work time - I know you have a baby at home." My boss asks me how I'm doing with being away from Gabe.  My involvement in trips and retreats (overnight! away from baby!) is when I went it, at my own pace.

Sure, it's not all rainbows and sunshine, there's a longer commute since I drive Gabe to my mom's, ever-present school politics, and having appointments with the beloved breast pump. Budget cuts means Mike's income and Gabe's health coverage might be in jeopardy. We're a little scared, to be sure.

But I think I'm in the right place. I have time and energy to pursue other things, but still take home a steady paycheck and enjoy my time with other adults (and teenagers! No, I really do enjoy them). I took a financial risk in leaving my job, in working at Starbucks, and in starting this new job. It was scary, but it was what I needed to do.

I am so blessed. Thank you for being a part of my journey, friends! :)

What I Learned in my Three Months as a Starbucks Barista.

Tomorrow I work my last shift as a Starbucks barista ("As of this moment...I will never....serve coffee...again!" keeps running through my head. My ability to find a Friends quote for every occasion is like a sickness, really.), exactly three months after I started in November. I always wondered what it was like to work at Starbucks in my pre-barista days, so here's the 411, as the kids say:

• People will spend $6 a day on ONE coffee drink. Every. Day. I know, I wonder what they do for a living, too. (Maybe you knew this because you are one of those people. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING!?)
• There is no such thing as too much of a good thing when it comes to Starbucks drinks. In three months of multiple drinks a day, I didn't get sick of them.
• I can wake up at 4:20 am multiple times a week and actually enjoy being on the road before the rest of the world is out of bed. (I also quite enjoy being done before noon. Holla!)
• People are crazy, crazy, CRAZY. 
• Crazy.
• What do I mean? Asking for a quarter of a Splenda packet in their two-and-a-half shots latte steamed to 165 degrees. Oh, and can you double cup that and put a splash stick in the top? 
• Or, I'm going to yell at you/roll my eyes/treat you like dirt because you're a lowly barista/my drink has some foam/I'm a grumpy person.
• The crazies were the minority, thankfully, and about 80% of our customers were fabulous. I absolutely adored getting to see them everyday.  I could go on and on about the sweet, kind, hilarious, and wonderful folks I encountered through working at Starbucks.
• Sometimes I think people like to come up with 12 different modifiers just to feel special. Seriously.
• About 60% of our customers were regulars. As in, they came almost daily. I truly thought I had a Starbucks problem, but then I met the rest of the world. And the rest of the world? They like their Starbucks.
• Working the drive-through was a fantastic opportunity for a voyeur like myself. I'm such a people watcher, and getting to peer into cars was such fun. (And some cases of real-life hoarders, you guys. I mean, really.)
• Bottom line: the customers were the best part and the worst part.
• Actually, scratch that. My coworkers were the best part. I've never had so much fun at a job before, ever. We laughed, we gossiped, we whispered, we snarked, we told stories, and we laughed some more. I really, truly will miss them. I cannot imagine having more fun at a job. I'm already sad thinking about leaving them. Le sigh.
• Not to mention the endless supply of apple fritters, veggie frittata breakfast sandwiches, and more espresso drinks than I can count.
• Personally, I've never worked for minimum wage, save for two months in college, so it was a humbling and frustrating experience. I honestly don't know how people do it for years as adults.
• Raspberry is actually delicious in iced passion tea and hot chocolate. 
• Recycling is more talk than action at the store level - we threw away hundreds of recyclable milk jugs, syrup, and apple juice bottles every week and it absolutely KILLED me. I briefly considered secretly bringing them somewhere to recycle but figured it'd get a bit messy. And hard to hide.
• Starbucks offers 'great benefits,' but many baristas can't actually afford to pay the premiums, even though they are quite low. Yay, minimum wage (or, okay, a smidge higher than)!
• Tipping is awesome, awesome, AWESOME. In my previous life, I never contributed to the tip jar at coffee shops. I just couldn't afford to, since I was already spending a pretty penny to get my drink. But when you're making minimum wage, getting 20 extra bucks a week goes a long way is so very appreciated.
• Busy. Fast-paced. WOAH. Yep.

Annnnd, that's what it's like to be a barista! (In my store in my city in my state, anyway.) I wouldn't mind doing it again someday - it's fun and the drinks are yummy, but I also won't miss waking up at 4:20 am and dealing with the crazies. 

Onward and upward! Tomorrow I meet with the president of the school I'll be working at. Who told me, "Don't wear your interview suit. This is very casual. Wear jeans and a hoodie. Minus ten points if you don't!" :) Booyah.

If You Ask, I Shall Answer.

What should I get to drink at Starbucks?

If you like coffee: espresso con panna (espresso over whipped cream: awesomely sweet and caramelly deliciousness), solo affogato vanilla bean frappuccino (a shot is poured over the top), macchiato (apparently I just like my espresso on top), caramel brulee latte.

If you don't like coffee: raspberry hot chocolate, salted caramel hot chocolate, caramel white mocha, eggnog chai, soy green tea latte, passion iced tea.

Don't you have a college degree? And you're working at Starbucks? *snicker*

I sure do! And working at Starbucks won't take that away from me. I'll still have a college degree tomorrow or in 10 years. And even if I never work another job that requires a college degree, I'll have the experiences, education, and perspective afforded to me by my college education. I'm pretty lucky, eh?

You left a salaried job with paid vacation and benefits to work at minimum wage?

Why, yes. Yes, I did. Sometimes quality of life is a benefit, you know? I no longer have to spend hours of my day in the car and I get to see my son a ton. Worth it for me right now. (Not that I haven't had occasional moments where I doubt my sanity – such as this upcoming Christmas break for schools. Then I remind myself that I only work 2-3 days a week. Every week.)

Hey, you're a barista! Make me coffee! 

You're very funny. 

So, how is it? What's it like?

Fast-paced. Fun. Stressful. Relaxed. Crazy. Caffeinated. Hilarious. Great customers. Crazy customers. Humbling.

Is working at Starbucks what you thought it'd be like?

Mostly? Yes.

How can you work for an evil corporation?

Well, they give me lots of free coffee. That makes it easier. (If you want to give me perks like free lattes and make part-time employees eligible for health insurance, I will come work for you.)

Aren't you afraid of derailing your career?

What career? In all honesty, I've had a pretty patchy career history – and although I absolutely adored my last job at the high school, I'd also be content creating a new career out of design, my Etsy shop, and photography. I still have to figure out how absolutely crazy or not that is, but I'm fairly confident that if I wanted to go back and work at a school again, I could. My school was actually filled with women who took years off to raise their families before returning to work.  I might only be out of the 'real job' world for a year. Who knows? And my child is way more important than my career right now. If this means it's harder to find a 'real job' later, so be it. I've never really defined myself by my career. This is an ever-unfolding story, and I'm not quite sure of where it will lead next.

Why you have to hide the fact that you're pumping during your lunch break?

Sure, I might overshare on the internet, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to share everything with people I've only just met. I don't have to hide the fact that I'm going to my car and pumping during my break, but I can't really imagine the context to share that without it becoming awkward later. “Hey, I'm about to go expose my breasts in my car and pump milk out of them so they don't explode. Just try not to imagine me doing it. Mmmkay?” 

I get regular breaks where I can pump if I need to, so I don't need to ask for the time to pump. Also, I work with a lot of younger people, and only one other mom, so I imagine it might be a bit uncomfortable telling them. I don't need to feel any more self-conscious about what I'm doing by having a 19-year-old guy I work with freaked out by my needing to pump.

How do you go 6 hours without pumping?

If I work six or less hours, I only get 10-minute breaks instead of a 30-minute one. And while I have pumped during a 10-minute break, it's not really ideal. (And by that, I mean nearly impossible).  I decided to try not have to pump at work during those shorter shifts. I have a super-fast letdown and flow, so I can get a lot of milk before I leave in the morning, then I feed Gabe as soon as I come home. Since I nurse most of the time, I don't really notice a difference in my supply. Gabe seems happy and full, so I am happy. And now I've talked too much about this and bored you. Great.

If your work has more than 50 employees, your employer must provide you a private place to pump.

Yes, but I'm not sure how my store would change to provide a clean, non-bathroom place to pump. It's basically a back room with all our supplies and the cafe. I choose not to tell my boss that I'm pumping because, like I said, I don't really need anyone else to know. I get breaks and I have a car. It's not ideal (it can be cold and I risk the possibility of someone parking next to me), but it's probably something that Starbucks' HR department needs to figure out on a company level, and I'm just too lazy to deal with that. Any advice?

Can you please stop talking about your boobs?

Yes. Yes, I can.

Change of Plans.

I expected to return to work today, 12 weeks after August 30th, the day before I went into labor.

From the day Gabriel was born, I found myself dreading the return to work. "Only 10 more weeks!" I'd think, then chide myself for not enjoying my time with my sweet, tiny baby, but counting down instead.

As I started to mentally plan out the logistics of returning to work - it became increasingly clear that we'd either have to get a second car or I'd have to take Gabe to my mom's (yay for free childcare!) each morning - which is 25 minutes in the opposite direction. This would add up to over three hours of driving a day and more than 10 hours a day away from my baby. It seemed physically impossible to be away from Gabe 10 hours a day. 

But, I knew that not working was simply not an option. Mike is in grad school for a PhD (which will hopefully pay off when he's a college professor someday and our kids will go to college for freeee) and although it's paid for, the stipend is small. Small, as in, we'd be living on strictly Ramen and still having to dip into our savings to make ends meet each month. 

So you can understand why, when Mike said, "Just quit," on a sunny day during my maternity leave , I thought he was absolutely crazy and possibly a wee bit delusional. A few hours later, thought I found myself  surprised to be wondering if it would be possible, Googling websites like this and this, tweeting about it, and playing around with budgets. 

Slowly, the idea started to appeal to me. I could quit, take the rest of the school year off work, then find something starting next school year. No horrific commute, no worrying about pumping and schedules, no mornings rushing around to get myself and Gabe ready. We have substantial savings and no debt...maybe it could work.

Then the pendulum swung the other way, and I was incredulous with myself for even entertaining such a financially irresponsible decision. Quitting my salaried, big girl, career-type job and living on a THIRD of what we currently live on (which isn't a ton to begin with)? Not to mention leaving my wonderful coworkers high and dry like that. ARE. YOU. CRAZY. WOMAN?

It was an oscillating few weeks, really, what with the "Yay! Mornings to snuggle with mah babeeee!" and then "Whhhhhat? Do you want to sabotage your CAREER!?" and the "Woohoo! We can totally be poor! I rock at being poor! Poor is fun!" and then "I want to be able to afford food! I like food!"

I dragged Twitter into things, as well:

Yep. I annoyed everyone.

On a whim, I applied to Starbucks, thinking it'd take a few weeks or months to get back to me.

Three days later, I was Starbucks' newest employee.

I quit my big girl, career-type job and work part-time at Starbucks. 

We're still going to be utterly poor, but I'm going to be very well-caffeinated. Hey, I said I'd be a bag lady sipping a latte.

The job is perfect for me right now, it's only 15 minutes away and I work 20 hours a week, scheduled around Mike's classes, so Gabe is usually with one of his parents.  It's fast-paced, so I hardly have time to think about missing Gabe. The other baristas are delightful, and the job is (mostly) very fun. Plus, I get to spend the day drinking lattes and iced Passion tea. A huge perk, no?

It's going to be hard to make some sacrifices and tighten our budget even more, but I think it'll be worth it. And we're up to the challenge (we've spent a mere $110 on groceries this month!). To help supplement my income, I'm planning to work more on my crafting and designing.

On that note, hey, look! I have an Etsy shop with pretty things like these coffee sleeves:

And I am happy to design your website like I recently did for Lauren and Angela! Email me!

/end shameless plugs.

So, I guess you could say I'm the happiest, poorest person you now know. Any more money saving tips for me? I need them.

Friday Odds and Ends.

• I have my first baby shower after work today. I’m a bit excited, but also weirdly nervous that no one will show up since I’ve been working here less than a year. WHAT IF NO ONE LIKES ME? Besides that weird anxiety, being the center of attention is an odd thing for me. I sort of enjoy it (and absolutely appreciate the kindness of my coworkers to throw me a shower), but it’s also find it pretty uncomfortable to have people focus on ME. I’m not explaining myself very well, but I’m sure I’m not alone in the awkwardness that comes with lots of attention. (I hope I don’t sound ungrateful, because I’d hate to come off that way. I am thankful that people care about me and want to celebrate this baby.)

• Today is the senior’s last day of school and I’m surprised at how sad I feel about it. I can’t say enough how much I adore my job and the women I work with – both my coworkers and the students. I can only say that I am insanely lucky to enjoy what I do so very much.

• Yesterday was my three-year anniversary of graduating from college and it still seems like yesterday. I know people say that a lot – but high school seems like forever ago to me, while my time in college still very much influences and informs who I am. It was such a time of dynamic growth and change and learning and independence. And, also, way too much fun. As I get further and further from that time, it honestly scares me a bit to lose the consciousness of it. But I know the future holds even more adventures and periods of vibrant growth, and I look forward to that – I need those times.

• Decisions have been stressing me out lately. Like, an unbelievable amount. We’re deciding which city to live in (near my work or Mike’s school – they are about an hour apart), whether I should work part- or full-time, health insurance issues, childcare choices, and other general money stresses. Being pregnant only exacerbates the anxiety, hormonally-speaking (it obviously also adds the practical factor of, you know, adding an ENTIRE PERSON to our family). I could go on and on about these stresses, but suffice it say, countless spreadsheets and possible budgets have been made. I like to plan things into oblivion and then just go with my gut in the end. It usually works. But tends to be a rather stressful process.

• I don’t often remember my dreams, even now when pregnancy is supposedly a time of weird, vivid dreaming. Last night, though, I had a dream that my friend was getting beat up outside of my house. I was torn – should I go help her and risk getting hurt myself or hide so as to keep my baby safe? I chose to hide and was wracked with guilt that I abandoned my friend. Even when I woke up at 4:30am, I felt terrible for choosing to protect the baby. I’m sure there is some deeper meaning I could extract from this – that I am becoming a mother, and as such, I will have something in my life that is worth protecting above almost all else, no matter how difficult that might be. Mostly, though, it just really freaked me out and made me feel like the Worst Friend Ever.

• My belly has officially gotten big enough so that I can spill something and not see it when I look down. In other news: I’ll be walking around looking like a slob for the next four months.

• No matter what happens with our decisions, I will be a working mom next year. A WORKING MOM. (Or, a mom who works outside of the home, if you want to be precise about it, since all moms work.) I can’t say I’ve ever imagined myself a working mom. I never really imagined myself a MOM, though, so I guess I don’t do a lot of imagining. (I never really thought about getting married until Mike and I started dating. Needless to say, I didn’t have a wedding planned out since childhood. It was easier that way, actually.) So, yeah. Just, a working mom. WOAH.

Spilling the Beans.

Well, my friends - the time has come.

It's obvious I'm pregnant.

(And not just because my chest is bigger. Which was a coworker's response when I shared that I was pregnant. Which was sort of creepy but mostly awesome.) 

Check it-

I just came back from a lovely three-day retreat with the high school girls. I never would have guessed it, but there is NOTHING that makes high school girls happier than squealing about engagements, husbands, marriage, and babies. Seriously. You should see their faces when they ask me questions like, "How did he propose?" "Was is fun being in college and planning a wedding?" and "How did you tell your husband you were pregnant?". One of them even declared with a sigh, "I can't *wait* to get older!"

She's a senior getting ready to go to the best college ever (my alma mater. not biased) and I assured her to that college is going to be wonderful - that she shouldn't wish away her life (don't we all need to be reminded that?). It's sort of adorable and makes me feel kind of awesome, though.

So, how did I let the students know? Well, I didn't exactly have a say in the matter...

One of the girls asked my friend and fellow teacher if I was pregnant during lunch yesterday.

"No. Why?" she replied.

"Well, it looks like she might have a little baby bump," the student said with a smile.

"I have a little belly," my friend pointed to her stomach, "does that mean I'm pregnant?"

"No, no! You're not fat at all!" the student reassured her, obviously embarrassed.

My friend came over and relayed the story to me. Within earshot of the student. Suddenly, ALL the students in the area were staring at me, smiling. They started pelting me with name suggestions, all their own names, of course. "Kelly Ann is a beautiful name!" "Nicole Ashley is a great name!" and asking me questions about how far along I was and if I knew the gender (most popular question to ask a pregnant woman EVER. For real).

The news spread quickly around the retreat, and suddenly 70 girls knew I was pregnant. They were coming up to me, telling me how they suspected something, since "You're so tiny, you wouldn't just be fat." and how girls I didn't even know were speculating about my expanding waistline. They were excited and adorable and it was the best possible way I can imagine sharing this news with students.

This also means it's only a matter of time until the rest of school finds out. I'm four months pregnant and I'm excited for others to know, but still a bit hesitant about the attention I'm sure I'll receive. It's not that I don't LOVE the experience of being pregnant, and will be relieved that others will finally know - I'm just not comfortable with people paying lots of attention to me. (Says the girl with the blog.) Plus, having a secret is more fun than I expected it to be. 

In other Fun News, I had my first complete stranger congratulate me today - which I definitely did not expect at a mere 17 weeks. During Mass today, the woman next to asked as if it was our first. I smiled and nodded.

This is getting more and more real, and decisions are getting closer and closer to being made. I am hopeful about our future - and excited for this little peanut (eh, onion) to grow. It's amazing how you can adjust your life in just a few short months. I didn't expect to become a mother by the end of the summer, but I am quickly growing accustomed to, and even excited about, this new development.

I know we've all had times in our lives when things didn't go according to plan - and now is my turn for a Pretty Big Thing. And I think it might be awesome.

Lesson Learned.

Lesson Learned: the right light in IMPORTANT. As is cropping the photo if the other half of your hair is frizzy. :)

• Do NOT Google "15-week-old fetus." I think the images of miscarried babies is burned in my brain. Yikes.

• Going without dairy is way, way more difficult than going without meat. I gave it up for Lent (which has caused some of my coworkers to be up in arms over the obvious lack of ALL! NUTRIENTS! for my poor little baby), which has been slightly inconvenient. I will never be vegan, though I will continue avoid most eggs and dairy, cheese and yogurt are important for me. I only eat them a few times a week, anyhow.

• March in Cleveland CAN be beautiful. Although I'm putting off getting a car wash, because the last time I did that? It snowed two days later.

• Keeping my pregnancy under the radar from my coworkers is starting to get more tricky as my waistline expands. I'm currently still in that "maybe she's always had a bit of a belly and I've never noticed" stage, but in a few more weeks? I think it will be a different story. (I'm hesitant to share with the whole school - all the attention. And all the questions about future plans when Mike and I still haven't figured things out. *shudder*)

• I have about 50 bajillion photos on my computer - many of which I took to share on my blog with a recipe or story. 49 bajillion of those photos have never been edited or shared. I'm awesome at taking lots of photos, I'm terrible at sharing them. Anyone still want to hear about when I made some Baked Sweet Onion Dip? Because I have photos of how to make it.

• We got our first baby clothes gifts (and my first nursing pads. Thanks, Mom. Hehe.) and I practically died when I saw them. Imagining a little baby in those sweet onesies and tiny cardigan (!!) was enough to make me all squishy inside.

• Growing up with the most perfect family ever doesn't mean they'll be perfect when you're a grown up.

• A cute vintage pillowcase makes an awesome spring skirt (directions). Though, the elastic may be a bit too snug for my belly.

• Those things you hear about pregnant ladies getting all weepy? It's true. I sobbed through half of a Freaks and Geeks episode. (Poor Bill...so lonely...)

• I have tons of awesome friends in this area. Making an effort to see them is ALWAYS worth it.

• Even when we're faced with something incredibly unexpected and life changing - Mike and I are able to work together to figure things out. I dread the huge decisions we'll be making about where to live, how much I should work, and how to get health insurance...but I know we will make it work.

• Having a job where you feel successful, valued, and like you're contributing to something meaningful is rare and invaluable. I am so lucky.

• When I see sweet, cuddly little babies now, I still get baby fever. But more in a "oh my gosh, I'll get to have one of those sweet cuddly things this year!" way. It's sort of awesome. And crazy.

2am Bowls of Reese's Puffs, Monopoly Junior, and Perspective.

Mike left this Saturday for an eight-day trip to Chicago for work. He was in Chicago the week before that for four days for an interview. And a few weeks, I'll be leaving for three days. At the risk of sounding whiny, I miss him. I am quite independent, so I appreciate the alone time - but it's just odd not seeing Mike in the mornings and cuddling as I fall asleep (that is, until he tells me he's getting claustrophobic and needs space. Does this make you think of the "hug-and-roll"? If so, let's be friends.). I like having him around. I like eating dinner together while we enjoy the hilarity that is Freaks and Geeks. I like teasing him about using the bathroom too long in the morning. I like kissing him goodbye. I like sharing my day with him when we get home. I like hearing him next to me when I wake up in the middle of the nights. I like being able to stretch my legs until my feet meet his under the covers. It's comforting.

Crying at Work is Always Fun.

I got to work today, sat down for our department meeting, and burst into tears.

(It’s a good thing I work with all women.)

If only she hadn't asked, with the sympathetic head tilt, "Everything okay?" Which is, of course, The Worst Question Ever if you're on the verge of tears.

As I was driving to work, my car started making a ridiculously loud grinding and scraping noise a few miles from work. Without a phone, running late for a meeting, and a husband a few hours away, I decided to keep driving. Only slightly scared that the car would burst into flames, causing me to swerve into oncoming traffic and die a fiery death.*

Add to that a good dose of holy-crap-I’m-in-over-my-head-with-this-huge-work-project, a sprinkle of completely forgetting to go a meeting, and a dash of telling a 16-year-old that her adopted grandma died and you've got the makings for a day that would make anyone dissolve into tears.

(At least, that's what I tell myself - otherwise, I just get embarrassed about all the crying. Hate the crying.)

Today has basically left me a human marshmallow of emotions, so I'm just going to look at happy photos. . .

* No death, just a catalytic converter shield that rusted out. The friendly mechanic fixed it for free then told me I am dire need of new ball joints. I'm not sure what these are, but surely I can find them for cheaper than $480. Note to self: check Froogle. (Which, apparently isn't called "Froogle" anymore. And hasn't been since 2006. Oh.)

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PS: Blah blah blah blah Starbucks giveaway!!!

On Defiance…and a Little Special.

I’m not sure why, but last month was the quietest month I’ve had since I joined Etsy. Perhaps it’s because I raised my prices to reflect the actual time and materials going into things and acknowledge that I’m not, in fact, a sweatshop in Nicaragua so I probably can’t compete with Target. Whatever the reason may be, I’ve decided to jump start holiday shopping AND celebrate my year on Etsy (official on November 24^th) with a special: my earrings are buy-one-get-one-half-off for the entire month of November. Find my shop here.

I still dream of being a work-at-home mom in a few years – designing website and invitations and Etsying, and perhaps working a part-time job at Trader Joe’s or a coffee shop while Mike pursues a PhD. (Why, yes, we will be quite poor. Thank you for noticing.) I do adore my job right now – aside from its time-sucking properties – so I wonder if I should count myself as lucky enough to have a fulfilling, wonderful job and leave my little dreams of working for myself behind. (Plus, taxes are scary. I like my easy little W2 forms. Working for yourself = MORE TAX FILING = hives.)

Does becoming an adult mean accepting the restraints of life? I can't help but feel defeated accepting a 9-5 job as my future. Even if it is a really fun job.

So: I refuse to settle.

I refuse to grow up.

I maintain my dreams and desires.

These are my goals. Call me a teenager, but I'm defiant. I will not be defined by my job. I will not feel bad for finding an unorthodox career or career path.

And that is why I signed up for two more design classes next semester at the community college.

Here's to dreams.

What would you do if you didn't care what your parents/friends/family/the world thought?

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PS: Yes, I am a broken record. So enter my Starbucks giveaway and shut me up.

Her-My-O-Nee.

A few weeks ago, Mike and I were on a walk and I saw a perfectly straight, twelve inch long stick on the ground.

“It’s a wand! I should be Hermione for Halloween!” I proclaimed. But I dropped it back on the ground, thinking it was a bit too early to go wand-hunting. Surely I’d find another in a few weeks. We continued our walk, and I continued chattering away about what a perfect wand I’d found. And maybe I shouldn’t have dropped it. I mean, perfectly straight sticks don’t just grow on trees, you know!

Mike finally interrupted me, “Do you want me to go back and get it?”

I smiled and he ran back and got it for me.

Yes, we are 17-year-olds.

And yes, I was totally Hermione-Granger –slash-Hogwarts-Student (from Harry Potter, duh.) for Halloween:

I dressed up for school on Friday and ran a few errands before work – Dunkin’ Donuts, a grocery store, and Starbucks. I got the range of reactions – from “Are you, like, a hair dresser?” to “Hermione!” to getting spit on to nothing. Which was probably worse than getting spit on, because, seriously – I am wearing a freakin’ gown, people.

The girls loved it, though, and were stopping by my office all day because they heard I looked “just like Hermione!” Halloween WIN.

Halloween itself was spent with my family – parents, brother, sister, Mike, Korean exchange student, and my brother’s friend watching a ridiculous scary movie from the 80s – The Fog. That is, ridiculous AND scary, not ridiculously scary. The kind of movie where you scream and hold your sister’s hand, and then laugh at how silly the movie is. Perfect for an overactive imagination like myself. Mass amounts of candy and pumpkin-flavored goods were also consumed – making it a Halloween DOUBLE WIN.

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Don't forget to enter my Starbucks giveaway! (It's a contest for me, too - so not only will you get FREE coffee, but you'll make me happy. Thanks!)

Nubbins of News.

• The mouse saga continues! Oh, wait...I haven't told you about our mouse saga? (Unless you follow me on Twitter. Which you probably did and stopped following me after I made you nauseous when I told everyone I found a frying pan FULL OF MOUSE DROPPINGS in the drawer under our stove.) Call me nasty, cheap, or too sympathetic, but until I see one in my bedroom or they eat my food, I'm not calling an exterminator. Because chemicals are scarier than mice, in my book. Unless they are in my bedroom or eating my food, then all bets are off. Until then, we live in peace, little mice.
  

• Work is beginning to feel cozy and homey. My coffee mug, my candy jar, and my friendly coworkers are becoming routine and familiar. This new positive outlook may have something to do with my coming in an hour later. An extra hour in the morning is making a gigantic difference in my sleep and attitude. I finally got up the courage to talk to Boss about it, and she was more than amenable to my remaining a sane, cheerful individual. Hooray!
  

• I went for over two weeks without a cell phone before activating a new (to me) phone last night. It was glorious. Minus the pouring-my-water-bottle-in-my-purse-and-ruining-my-phone part. No one could contact me through my phone was so nice. Being overly-connected is tiring, yo! (We won't talk about internet/Twitter addiction just yet, though. I'm still in denial.)
  

• The last time I can find proof of getting dressed up for Halloween was in 2005. I haven't carved a pumpkin in years and I've never decorated for Halloween. I'm not anti-Halloween, I'm pro-lazy. (And pro-food. I've baked tons of pumpkin waffles, bread, and muffins and made my own pumpkin pie spice lattes. I even sucked it up and ate a few maple donuts.) Since I work at a high school now, I can dress up for work this year and am considering Hermione Granger. Possibly overdone, but I have frizzy hair, a graduation gown, and a stick that is totally wand material. Done and done.
  

• Several new items are listed in my Etsy shop - including new earring colors and designs. I also have some new packaging. I'm seriously excited to start sending out new orders. Whee!
  

• Free Starbucks goodies - five whole prize packs! - are still up for grabs over here. (Did I mention it's a contest for me, too? So I will continue nagging you!)
  

A Surprise Birthday Special!

My second surprise this week (on today, my birthday, hurrah!) is FREE SHIPPING within the United States and a free card with every purchase over $15 from today through the weekend. This may be a little too generous and ridiculous of me, so hurry up before I change my mind!

Clockwise from top left: daisy chain - a perfect tote. with great love - a set of little notes. teal heaven - a wristlet. funky argyle - a checkbook cover.

Be sure to check it out or get a jumpstart on holiday shopping. (I know, I know - it's only October! Woah, Ashley! Stop being all Target-y and having your trees out in August! But I've started getting some gifts for my family and hope to be calmly sipping eggnog and eating cookies during the last few weeks of December, bragging that I'm totally done. We'll see. Last year I took a day off work to finish up making gifts and still didn't finish until Christmas Eve.)

PS: I'm going on a three day "business trip" tomorrow- which is a total bummer since it's my birthday. But I use the term "business trip" liberally, since I'll be hiking with (surprisingly delightful) teenagers in go to gorgeous Hocking Hills. I think I can handle it. As long as it's not 45 and rainy. Because: ugh.

PPS: Don't forget to enter my Birthday Giveaway!

Wanted: Work-Life Balance.

Me: "Waah! I work too much!"

My friend: "Dude. I'm a medical resident, I wake up at 4am and don't get back home until 7pm, at which point I go to bed. And I work most Saturdays."

Me: "You win. Also, I'm never going to be a doctor."

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Dad: "How is work, Ashley?"

Me: "Good. Minus the part that I work all the freaking time."

Dad: "Welcome to adulthood. You think I like 50-60 hour work weeks?" (My dad works 12 hour days as a financial director at Fortune 500 company. And I actually DID think he liked working long days.)

Me: "Waaah. Adulthood sucks."

Dad: "Adults don't say, 'suck' unless they're talking about vacuums. Also, you should eat meat."

Mom: "Adults don't say 'freaking,' either. You know what that's a substitute for."

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Email/G-chat/Tweet to Friend Who is Not Medical Resident: "Waah! Work days long! Hate it! Sucks!"

Normal Friend: "Agreed! Let's work part time or bake or anything to flee long hours in an office!"

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Am I weak or whiny because a demanding full-time job seems like a lot to handle? (Seriously, please tell me I'm not as annoying as Terri from Glee: "See, I'm not built to work five days a week.")

When I asked: is there a way to have a clean house, homemade dinner, and a fabulous, exciting career? You all confessed it was difficult and tiring for you as well - and gave me some great suggestions.

Still, I feel alone at work and in my social circles where the vast majority of my friends, family, and colleagues seem perfectly content that there isn't much life outside of work - aside from glorious, but short, weekends. Is it naive, presumptuous, or even pretentious to want out of the hamster wheel of long days and little time at home?

I picked up a book (on CD) that perfectly articulated the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head. I listened to Womenomics by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman during my commute for the last week or two and nodded along enthusiastically as I heard things like:

"If we're increasingly frustrated by the sixty-hour office week, the next generation has no interest in it at all...They want to create unique, non traditional career paths so that they can achieve all their live goals. They are impressively confident about their priorities, and they won't settle for anything less than liberation. 'Generations X and Y do have a very strong work ethic, but they want more balance - a satisfying work and personal life...' notes Kathleen Christensen."

Maybe I'm not alone after all! The authors pointed out flaws in workplace culture - particularly the insanity of presence-orientated work (being in an office for a certain number of hours) instead of results-oriented work.

The worst is that guilty feeling that invades your soul (or maybe just mine) if you've gotten your work done for the day, but the boss hasn't left yet - do you leave or will that show that you're not committed? There seems to be an insinuation that "She who is in the office for longer hours must be a better worker." Asking for a day off can send my anxiety skyrocketing, even if I absolutely deserve it. Usually, I just wimp out and talk myself out of it.

I know this guilt and anxiety I feel is not unique. (Right??)

One more quote from the book, just because it makes my heart soar:

"These workers demand more flexibility, meaningful jobs, professional freedom, higher rewards, and a better work-life balance than older employees do. Companies face a rate of high attrition if their expectations aren't met'"

A-freaking-men!

It's a balance I want to figure out - and that we all deserve.

Was September Even Here?

Seriously, I don't remember it.

To make the most of this month (with my long work weeks, I sort of feel like a zombie moving through life at times. My kitchen sink? Full of dishes that haven't been washed since Monday. Because I haven't been home before nearly bedtime most days. And haven't eaten a meal at home this week until right now. I obviously have priorities. Blogging > dishes. Or something.) -I am going to set a few goals.

It may seem silly to set goals like, "Hang out with another person," but I need articulate that right now, or else it might not happen. Sadly.

Moving on!

I feel sort of cluttered and a bit overwhelmed with stuff. So, my goals this month are centered mostly around simplifying in a few regards. Balance and simplicity. And being a Zen Master. (Even though, I could totally go for some goals about working out, let's be honest.)

• Begin four months of buying only second-hand clothing.
• Get rid of one laundry basket-full of clothing.
• Go through papers, magazines, etc. and recycle LOTS.
• Clean out car and go to car wash (for the first time in...a year? Ha. How sad.). Repair chip on windshield so it doesn't turn into CRACK on windshield.
• Ask for day or two off to compensate for weekend, overnight, and evening work. Be brave!
  
• Turn 25! (While on a trip for work. On that note, try not to quit work.*)
• See friends four one time. Or more! (Bonus points if it includes coffee.)
  
• Stop swearing. (This may be a bit of a surprise for people who know me - but I have taken to really swearing like a sailor when driving. It's completely out of control and would be totally embarrassing if anyone but Mike heard me. Plus, it only exacerbates the road rage.)
• Clean for 30 minutes before going to bed. (Though, this would require actually being home more often. Will see how this goes.)

October is such a great month - even though it gives way to winter in a sense, it's a month for pumpkins, apple-picking, and breaking out fall clothes. Here's to October! May it be a month filled with balance, simplicity, and harvest.

* If you are Work, I am kidding! I like you. A lot.

You May Say I'm Dreamer...

My nose piercing is the bane of my existence.

But I am keeping it for three reasons:

1- I am stubborn.
2- It’s pretty!
3- It is symbolic.

I don’t need to go through the whole saga of the many times it started to close up or get infected or when I re-pierced it with a sewing needle - anyone who follows me on Twitter gets more than their fair share of that unwanted information. (Twitter recap: I once I tried a push pin in a desperate attempt to slow the closing of the hole after I washed my face and the stud came out and I didn’t notice for hours.)

Since I work at a high school, I have to keep my nose stud as covert as possible – meaning I have a clear stud that looks like a large pore or a nasty pimple depends on how the healing is going. (Currently in a nasty pimple stage. Score.)

I won’t lie – this is far more trouble than it is worth. It has been pretty painful, frustrating, and awkward to hide. I woke up with a hunk of dried blood and pus on my nose this morning. (I know, totally nasty and oversharing – but if you want to get your nose pierced, YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE TO DEAL WITH.)

The sea salt soaks, the tea tree oil, the H2Ocean, the chamomile tea bags – I’ve tried it all.

But I’m not getting rid of it until God himself rips it out of my nose and closes it with his magic wand…or just his powerful hand…or whatever God uses to close piercing holes.

As silly as it might seem, the tiny hole is symbol that someday I will work a job that lets me wear jeans and have a sparkly little nose stud. It’s as simple as that. A tiny bit of self-expression, a smidgen of rebellion, and a sprinkle of hope that I’ll be a barista at an independent coffee shop, a mom, a graphic designer, or work from home – and have a bit of freedom and independence that I so crave.

holy crap, that's a big face.

Life is Good. Repeat as Needed.

Life is good. Busy, stressful, overwhelming, but oh-so-good.

In an effort to shut up my whiny self and stop being a Negative Nancy to remind myself that, I’m going to record five things from every day that bring me joy. I’m going to be starting a little Happy List in my sidebar again and update it regularly if you care to play along.

I’ve said it over and over – but my new job is demanding of my time and energy. I love the work I am doing and the high school girls I am working with. It is just So. Great. And I’ve started seeing my friends more regularly; making a real effort to keep in touch with wonderful people who live in my city. This week, in fact, I have plans with four different friends – how awesome is that? (The fact that I am excited about this and telling the Internet on my blog? Shows you this is totally not typical for me.) Yesterday, I enjoyed coffee and conversation with Megan (and we were totally serenaded by a guy and his guitar – he even incorporated our names into his song. Too cute.) Today I’m hanging out with a college friend/teacher at my school over pumpkin spice lattes and then going out to dinner with my DOCTOR friend (who is younger than me and makes me feel completely unaccomplished – she is a DOCTOR. And became a DOCTOR at age TWENTY THREE. Psh. Overachiever.). Friday, the other 20-somethings at my school are going to the wine bar to bond over the fact that we’re closer in age to our students than most of our colleagues (and sometimes get confused for high schoolers…oh, wait, I’m the only one?).

Despite all the happiness in my life, I’ve been sort of oozing negativity. Seriously – oozing.

After venting to Mike about a particularly difficult work situation last night, he challenged me. (It’s so hard to be challenged by your husband. I JUST WANT YOU TO AGREE WITH ME, MIKE.) He pointed out what I’d been dreading for someone else to recognize: I always seem to find fault with my coworkers/work hours/cubicle/SOMETHING ABOUT WORK.

Which, while it was tough to hear, it's true and either means a) I tend to get myself into difficult work situations, b) My standards are too high, or c) I am channeling Negative Nancy. So, I am choosing to focus on improving my attitude. I went in this morning bubbling with optimism and happiness – I was all cheerful and talkative and brimming with smiles.

(Let's not talk about how long it lasted. But...um, it's the thought that counts?)

I'll take it one day at a time. Five happy things at a time.

What are your five happy things (uh, definitely not because I am lazy and need ideas...)? More importantly: What do you do when you realize you're sort being a grump-face?

(What's with all the questions lately, Ash? Well, I've realized there are a heck of a lot helpful, smart people who hang out around these here Internets. And who are just waiting to give their smart, helpful advice. And I would bake them all cookies if I could. Or brownies. With peanut butter chips. Mmm.)

Get Excited.

Wow.

I am completely blown away by how awesome you all are. My sister even remarked at how thorough and detailed the comments were on my last post. I got a cord to hook my iPod up to my car stereo and listen to NPR podcasts all the way home, I renewed my enthusiasm for Zen Habits, and got a few book recommendations that will keep me busy. And lots and lots of practical tips. Thank you.

Plus, Michelle just posted something that totally resonated with me and along with a recent NPR story on how messed up multi-tasking really makes us. I’m exploring a less multi-tasking approach to my work and at home. I will try to focus on one task at a time – instead of having six tabs open in Firefox and five different programs running, I’m paring down a bit at work and at home. I even ran without listening to anything but the pounding of my feet on the pavement and my rhythmic breathing yesterday evening. It was sort of refreshing. (PS: Yes! I ran! I had time to run!)

Thank you for sharing this little journey I make. Thank you for letting me be honest and confess that I’m overwhelmed. Thank you for encouraging me – like when I posted about looking young, I was surprised how many of you came forward with a, “me, too!”. It’s so good to know I’m not alone. So, thank you.

On that note, I think I shall enjoy my long weekend (hurrah!) which begins early (hurrah!) with a birthday dinner for Mike at an amazing restaurant (hurrah!) on my first pay day (hurrah!).

I have a lot of blessings.

Also, I had to share this, which is probably meant more for a Tumblr sort of thing, but let’s be honest, I don’t need another reason to be on the internet.

[source.]

May your weekend be exciting, joyful, and long!